This is what I’ve been doing lately to deal with pain and difficulty;
Feel what you have to feel. Don’t suffer needlessly with it—meaning; don’t inflate it beyond its limits—but definitely feel what you have to feel. That’s the only way it’ll leave. Suppressing it or ignoring it never diminishes it, in the long run. Neither does thinking about it, or purposely rewinding the clip. In hopes of alleviating it. Lol, in hopes of fixing a negative situation that happened in the past. Something that shouldn’t have happened, at all. No, rather; just let it come up, whenever it wants to. I have so many of these tapes playing in my head, and in my heart. Some of them were really bad; some of the actual events were quite heinous. It’s hard to let it go, I guess. But I’ve realized that suppressing and re-winding (and ignoring) never helps. Only feeling it in a normal way, will help. Everything is a valid emotion or thought; even the very painful ones. And so you have to treat it as a regular human process—this whole thing of progressing onward, even while experiencing the negative thoughts, emotions. It’s self-purification; going through the process of negative thoughts, emotions, and memories. The only way it’ll go is if it decides to go. Other than that, just bear with it until it leaves. It’ll leave and come back many times…but eventually, it’ll mostly fade away. I think death is the ultimate truth, because no one has really come back out of that state. That we know of. I believe in a hereafter, but that’s not the only reason why I have made my peace with whatever happens to me on earth. Another reason I’ve already made peace with it is because of the idea of ultimate justice, love, and compassion. So; these (negative) things shouldn’t be happening to anyone anyway, regardless of whether there is a god to reconcile the negative with His eternal presence. So whether god exists or not, evil is still unjustifiable, and wrong. There’s still the ideal of justice and regular mercy and stuff like that, regardless of whether or not god exists. So it’s not only that I believe in god which makes me content. I’m also ok and content because I know that all of the negativity on earth is wrong, and shouldn’t be happening. So the ideas of love, justice, mercy, poetry, music, and etc. is the true universal relief. The true idea is that there is a reconciliation, and a greater power above the negative, and above evil. Not necessarily god—not everyone believes in god. Or ever has, or ever will.
In other words; I think you can be perfectly at peace without god. I believe in Him to the nth degree, but many people disbelieve to the nth degree. It’s ok, it doesn’t really indicate anything other than its basic premise. we’re all children of god, anyway.
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I’m honestly just waiting for my grave, and am trying to do good in the meantime. I honestly think I may end up being an artisan for the rest of my life—an illustrator, animated filmmaker, and author. Alongside my day jobs, that is. -I’ve actually heard that many people—especially women—are very much into these ‘extra-curricular activities’ types of careers. Authors (creative writers; authors of books of literature and creative writing. Real and tangible literary pursuits–discussing things that are important to them, in their poetry collections, essay collections, novels, short story books, and etc.); visual artists; musicians (concert violinists, singers, conductors, etc); ballet performers, stage/set designers, and etc. Why not me? Why can’t I join that general group, or interest area. -I’ve always thought that I had to get ‘a real job, a real career,’ and that I most definitely couldn’t work as a working author, illustrator, and animator. Almost by law/by nature, or whatever. Meaning; I thought I simply had to work in a proper office setting; in a nonprofit, a publishing house (as an editor, or publicist, etc.), a social-issues organization, or whatever. *Honestly, there was also the pressure to help my surrounding community as much as possible. I might have actually managed to develop somewhat of a sense of community and a sense of residency or citizenship; and I likely felt that I had a moral duty to assist my fellow neighbors in as tangible a way as possible. As much as I possibly can. Regarding the people within my immediate residency–my community. I did not grow up rich/in a rich area—and so this overall feeling, I was especially cognizant of. If only semi-consciously or even subconsciously, if that makes sense. When you grow up seeing your own family and people around you struggling financially, or constrained financially, you develop somewhat of an underlying feeling of ‘I have to help. I’m diligent; I make good grades. As soon as I graduate college, I should help my fellow citizens to escape poverty, as much as possible—as much as I possibly can.’ This general plan of going on to become a community helper was especially solidified (still subconsciously, to be honest) while I was an undergrad in college. I just thought; yeah, of course. Of course I’m gonna work at a nonprofit, or a political press/political publishing house. Or even as some form of child welfare specialist, or family development advocate or worker. Of course once I graduate college, I’m gonna do something to help people. What else is there, other than helping others? It’s a done deal.
It does sound good, indeed; it is good, to be sure. It’s a good plan. The only real problems were that in my case, my cognitive impairments hit me, real awareness of my personality and the type of person I am hit me, and genuine awareness of my interests in life, hit me. In other words; my psychiatric condition bit me in the b***, my shyness bit me in the b***, majorly; and my lack of interest (and utter not-impressed attitude) towards all those helping professions, all those community-help careers, hit me hard, too. What also affected me was the realization that I’m interested in the crafts professions, like visual art, creative writing, and animation/filmmaking. -Once I genuinely understood what ‘the helping professions’ actually are—what they mean, and what they pertain to on a day-to-day basis. The ins and outs of the careers, themselves—I was so unimpressed and dismayed that I couldn’t believe that that was what I had wanted to do for the rest of my life. Paperwork to an extent that’s not even normal, constant interaction with adults, and steady workflow—steady production, or progression towards an actual outcome, or result. A lot of reading, writing, speaking, engaging, etc.—all that diminished the appeal of ‘careers,’ to me. This isn’t to say that those high-end careers or elite careers–even within the helping professions–aren’t worth attaining. I’m not saying that left-brain cognitive tasks (“serious,” analytical cognitive tasks) and the setting aside of your cognitive impairments, somehow, and the setting aside of your lack of interest in the work, isn’t worth attaining. What I am saying though is that; it’s not for everyone. Not everyone would flourish, or be comfortable at all, in that situation. Some would be highly uncomfortable; let’s be honest. And that’s where the artisan careers come in, I think. That’s where the ‘extra-curriculars’ come in, in terms of attempting to make them your career, or main source of income. This is also where ‘working day jobs’—not high-end careers, but lower-paid day jobs—comes in. Because; at least you’d have a reliable (if not high) source of income, while practicing your craft or your passion-profession, in your free time.
I mean for me, the matter is already decided, due to my mental impairments, timidity, and complete lack of interest in any ‘real jobs,’’ or elite careers. I’ve actually tried at least four internships in various different areas; I’ve tried teaching, editing, grant writing, graphic design, and maybe one more that I can’t remember now. None of them really fit me at all. I’ve also imagined myself in various other roles and careers. Mostly to do with working in some sort of (community-help, social issues) organizations or agencies. I think those jobs themselves are typically very serious, for the most part…and there’s no real room for a lot of errors, it seems. I think when you’re trying to fix a certain situation in your community or in other people’s lives, there’s of course not going to be a lot of room for big errors or mistakes, in your work–in your day-to-day maneuvers or overall protocols. You tasks have to at least be done with focus, and adherence to certain rules. I mean, you have to be dedicated, is what I think I’m trying to get at–no one wants a half-hearted educational administrator, or social worker, or program coordinator. You also interact with and engage in extended dialogue with other adults, constantly, it seems. -and so I mean, what the hell? I sometimes don’t even like talking to people. I mean you don’t know what you’re gonna get, with people. I don’t like talking to people. Who does, in some cases. Also; there’r no real chunks of time wherein you’re free to create what you want, in a specific (expressive) medium. That’s obviously not the job description, is it? Rather, you do what your boss or what the overall mission of the organization or “cause/movement” tell or compel you to do. *It seems you really have to be aware of what you’re about to undertake or do, overall. And you have to really want it, it seems–regardless of the societally beneficial outcome of the career, itself. Regardless of how much the career helps people in the long run, or how much of a stable and socially beneficial career it is, for everyone involved. I think a social services manager (admin. of a social service agency or nonprofit) is highly helpful and beneficial in her community…but there are probably lots of uncomfortable and bitter aspects of her career. As in life, too–there are difficult and bitter moments. -We obviously wouldn’t say to everybody; become social services administrators. Or social workers. Or doctors. Or public health professionals. Or directors of theaters and cultural centers. Or practicing artists, or craftspeople. There’s no one-size-fits-all. There’s not even one-size-fits-20, if done with a (completely) random sample. And that’s a fact. (20 people will not all say; we’re currently in the same (type of) career, or are each planning on entering the same (type of) career. -I mean, random samples will really kick you in the b*** and reveal the diversity of human beings, if done properly. (Probability is really interesting, actually. 😢).
So; one needs to be aware of these things before s/he starts embarking on a career–even well before s/he considers anything as a potential career for herself. It’s necessary. ||| *An appropriate title for this blog post might be; ‘going into the crafts professions rather than the helping professions–my journey to understanding myself through understanding complex people, places, and things.’ -Sometimes, you understand yourself through understanding others, their problems, their environments and worlds, and the type of person it takes to truly fix or heal the problems, themselves. -Maybe I managed to ‘find myself’ through juxtaposing myself against the world picture, and the human situation on earth…especially in regards to problems, and negative human experiences. If I hadn’t done it like that, I might not have managed to understand that ‘the helping professions’–what I call the helping professions–are so far from me that I might as well be on the moon, and those careers are all here on earth. We have nothing in common except a catalyst type of characteristic that could ‘help people’ in a real and actual type of way. Other than that, there’s a metaphysical beam or ray that is between me and those ‘real careers,’ keeping us from meeting. -Couldn’t be more relieved, actually; at least now, I don’t have to do them. *And that’s a tell-tale sign that I wouldn’t have wanted to do them, anyway. -ya ikhwana, forget it, with a capital F. Armihu wara dahrik wa ‘aynee gidaamik. Throw that thing behind (way behind you), and keep your eyes on the prize–focus on your (real) future, now; your actual future. Forget it–please. Move on with what you have–with what you do have, in your strongroom. Or storehouse, factory, depository. You have a lot of good stuff to offer; why are you so obsessed with ‘going into the helping professions–I have to go into the helping professions.’ Breaking up is hard to do, damn. -I think it’s the whole thing of ‘if I don’t go into the helping professions, then I automatically am not doing what I could, in life.’ That whole thing of throwing away your skills in a particular area–wasted potential, perhaps–is really hard to get over, I guess. Especially when you actually could be doing that–that ‘helpful’ or ‘socially beneficial’ role, or career. You’re equipped–you feel that you’re diligent, hard-working, and capable, above all. It just happened to not work out for you, for a variety of reasons far beyond your control. You have the potential to go into a ‘highly helpful’ or social/community type of career…but there are three (if not a few more…four or five, or six) great, wonderful reasons why you should not. you should not. And that’s life’s signature move; life gives you lemons, sometimes. It’s pretty sour and hard to swallow. you have to re-route your whole direction, and go somewhere else. You’re not gonna go there–where you originally dreamed of going, and being in.
Well one type of response to that, though, is; just because ‘everyone’s’ doing something or hankering over something–just because something [a type of career, or whatever have you] is very valued in society–doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. I mean, look at me, and many other types of people, actually–we’re never gonna have ‘a real job,’ ever. I decided that just now. This is my own version of implementing that idea, or that difficult, bitter notion–that charted exercise. Others have their own journey they have to walk, I guess.. but this was honestly mine, in regards to ‘what I should do with my life,’ or ‘what route or main path I should take.’ I’m 27, turning 28 in January, 2022.
Something else I wanted to say: I feel that all those sociopolitical and community problems actually have solutions—they do have solutions to them. They can be rectified. Whereas; many private issues, or human-condition problems (intrinsic problems, non-sociopolitical problems) are way more naturally-occurring, and way harder to get out, or eradicate. Sometimes healing from it—even bona fide suffering with it—is the only thing that will help. (It’s the only thing that will alleviate the issue.)
I know for a bona fide fact that I cannot solve many of my own problems—the pain is very deep-seated in my brain and heart, and I cannot solve the external source of it, because it’s far, far beyond my control. Circumstances that no one can actually solve, or fix. -That being said; isn’t it a good thing that I will explore the topics of pain, suffering, and inexplicable misfortune and plights, in my work? -A lot of those sociopolitical problems really do need immediate eradication and uprooting. Many other types of problems—especially existential, psychological, and interpersonal problems (isolation, bullying, etc.)—have no solution other than “hang in there. Life is short. The true kingdom is not this life. The first shall be last, and the last shall be first.” Etc. I swear, sometimes that’s the only ‘solution.’
So isn’t it a good thing that I will go into these types of topics, in my work? I wouldn’t have had a chance to do that, if I was an administrator, or nonprofit coordinator, or librarian. -Not in the way I would like to—I don’t get to say whatever I want, in those roles. And; I can’t really paint a picture, and call it ‘my work,’ in those jobs. Meaning; I can’t draw a really educational, therapeutic, and persuasive painting (one that really speaks to you and addresses some of those pains and problems, or gives you a whole new direction in life, or some morale to take certain steps in life), and say that that’s my work—that that’s what I’m putting forth, for the remaining week. And that ‘a few descriptions of the painting (and a few notes, process-descriptions, analysis, and short essays) will be coming, later—will be following, shortly.’ I mean that sounds like “artist,” to me. So why don’t I just do this art thing, indeed? And this writing and film thing. I’ll have day jobs (too), I mean. -Hopefully I can find some success as a creative professional, later down the line—financial success. I just feel that this is what I’m meant to do, anyway, regardless of ‘success,’ or financial stability.
I’m perfectly ok with having a lower salary. I’ve never been a big spend-thrift, except for those few years where I ordered out a lot, because I had severe stress-eating tendencies. Other than that, I buy the occasional book (novel, poetry collection, essay collection, memoir, academic text, etc.); that’s about it. I don’t have a spending habit at all; it’s rather on the low end of the spectrum. And so; I don’t feel that a lower salary (from my day jobs) would be a detriment to my lifestyle, in regards to money. I don’t spend money—I save money. And so a lower salary wouldn’t really affect me anyway. I just need to make sure I have enough to pay my bills, and all the other necessitates of living. I don’t think a lower salary is necessarily terrible, in each and every case of humankind. Why do you want to be rich in life, or higher-earning, anyway? To do what with it, exactly? To save it up, so you have a strong insurance fund? I save, anyway. I just won’t be saving as much as anyone else, because I won’t be earning nearly as much. Fair enough. Who cares, anyway.
So I think I just need to try my best to find work that I can do, and that is perhaps not as precarious as other jobs are. Job security was always pretty important to me—more important than a higher income, actually. If you won’t get fired for small reasons, that was always more appealing to me than earning more while not having job security, or being in a precarious position.
I hope I can find a way to heal myself internally, while doing my jobs. While I’m ‘on the job.’ That’s why I would love the opportunity to do employment that I can do more or less independently of others, in the same building or small organization. I’ve very emotionally disturbed, let me be honest. -And of course I’ll do my extra-curricular stuff every day, too. After work. -With god being within me, I think I can handle any workplace bullying or negative situations that come about. I think I’ll work at certain types of day jobs, while being a writer/illustrator/animator, at night.
I honestly just want my paycheck so that I can go home, take a bath, have a cup of tea, do yoga, take a long walk/be in nature, and go to sleep. I don’t want an elite position/can’t do any elite position. I’m perfectly happy with that reality. -And I only mention my pains and sorrows to god, I don’t really talk about them with anybody else. Nobody else can even help me, I’ve come to realize.
bye 🥲😢🧡☮️⚡️
a portfolio 