:3

I think I’m gonna go for graphic design, illustration, animation, and hopefully textile design, for my work//for my career. I’ll work day jobs in elementary school tutoring and in other things, in case I can’t find a job right away in the aforementioned visual arts careers.

I’ve sort of figured something out for myself, I’ve sorta figured something out, and it finally became clear in my mind, the fogginess surrounding the issue has cleared up; I’m better at drawing still lifes; inanimate objects; nature scenes (plants, animals, landscapes, etc.); domestic scenes (kitchens, living rooms, bedrooms); buildings/houses, and etc.—much more so than I can draw humans, and human figures. I feel that I can draw in a believable and enjoyable way, almost anything, any concrete subject—except for human faces. Actually, human faces are the most difficult thing for anyone to draw, in my humble opinion. A lot of times, even professional artists aren’t happy with “the way a certain sketch portrait of theirs turned out”; they have to re-work it, or simply start over.

I’ve always liked drawing. I remember one time when I was four, I was drawing shapes of apples on a sheet of notebook paper. My mom saw me, and asked to see it. I think she liked it, she seemed interested in what I was doing. I was recognized in a couple of art things, in grade school: one of my drawings was featured in an exhibit at a local college, when I was in fourth grade (it was an art exhibit showcasing work by elementary schoolers…only a few students got selected); and I remember I actually won my school’s magazine illustration contest, when I was in seventh grade. My illustration was featured on the front cover of the middle school literary magazine, for the spring semester edition, or something like that. 

I didn’t take art in high school, though I probably should have. For some reason, at my high school, you were only allowed to take one free-elective class, and so I chose ‘choir.’ But if I had chosen art, it might have steered me in the direction of taking graphic design and illustration, in college. I wouldn’t have wasted my time with English literature, with writing and language. I initially wanted to be a book editor once I graduated college. I didn’t know that I would develop some pretty severe cognitive difficulties that would hinder me from flourishing in this field— this is what I believe to be the case, at least. I’d had schizoaffective disorder since I was 13, but the severe cognitive defects (lack of concentration; difficulty completing basic tasks; difficulty taking initiative to begin certain types of tasks (reading- and writing-related tasks)—this didn’t start until my second year of college, my second year of community college. I never thought I would ever have this problem, honestly; I was a pretty good student in middle school and high school, despite my overall mental health condition. While I was in college—though I was treated for my condition, I was under appropriate medication—I sincerely couldn’t focus. I sincerely couldn’t even read a full page without encountering some deep ‘mental resistance’; it was as if something was mentally interfering with my will to read, and take in the information. This caused serious frustration and distress, to say the least. How can you finish a degree in English literature without reading the assigned assignments, and texts—without writing some pretty long papers, and answers? Without editing others’ work, while in editing class; without truly learning grammar and linguistics, while studying those things? It was really tough. I really didn’t like it; it was hard to go through. I don’t even know how I graduated; I have a feeling that those last-minute all-nighters actually helped me produce some decent ‘attempts.’ Pressure puts a fire in you, I guess; I might work well under pressure. But I don’t think I really did my best at all while in college, to put it mildly. It really was an unfortunate circumstance. | I wanted to be a developmental editor, when I was through. I planned to work for socially conscious magazines and book publishing companies, editing the manuscripts and articles that came in. I also considered paralegal work, elementary school teaching, grant writing, and library science. And content writing, nonprofit program coordination, and other things. I mean, all of those jobs require reading and writing skills—very high performance in those areas. The last time I checked, they are heavily reading- and writing-based. ): There’s no point in my going for those fields, even with a literature degree completed, now. I’ll mess up and not do well, within one week. I won’t get stuff handed in; I’ll even fumble my words, my spoken communication. There’s no point in trying. -I’m taking Abilify, 7.5 mg, right now. I don’t think this is doing anything other than stopping my active hallucinations and delusions, and things of that nature. This medication doesn’t deter the cognitive deficits, though. It doesn’t treat the cognitive defects that often come about because of schizoaffective disorder…the focusing problems, retention problems, follow-through issues, and etc. I don’t think there’s a medication that truly treats the cognitive defects of these kinds of things, of these kinds of conditions. (Schizophrenia spectrum disorders.) I think you just have to learn to manage it throughout your life. Well for me, I quite literally had to switch disciplines; I had to switch from reading, writing, researching, and etc., to drawing. ): pretty sad, actually. But when one door closes, another one opens. I don’t think anybody would have really known me or been positively affected by my visual artwork, if I wasn’t into drawing, and if I hadn’t slowly inched towards drawing and art, instead of literature and language. I mean I might have been a book editor or a paralegal, by now…but I obviously would have been busy doing that. I wouldn’t have had time to draw, or anything. But now that I’m a graphic designer and illustrator, now that I’m trying to become a graphic designer and illustrator (and an animation artist, and a textile designer), I can interact with other people through my visual communication. I can connect with more people this way, I feel. A picture is worth a thousand words. Anyone can look at a picture and take something away from it; you don’t even have to speak English, or know how to read. (You don’t have to know any written language.) Anybody except for a completely visually impaired person (‘full blindness’) can get something, out of art. It truly is a visual language, visual communication. And it can say a lot; it can say many different things. A picture is often nuanced. You might not know the full symbolism and imagery of the illustration—there might be a lot that is not immediately apparent, or know-able—but once you understand what it indicates through its brush strokes and its visual motifs, you’re almost indebted to it; you think it’s marvelous. Van Gogh is honestly one of my favorite painters, and visual artists. I like everything that he produced. The Starry Night; Potato Eaters; Wheat Field with Cypresses; Irises; Sunflowers. All of his work is sublime; I have a feeling that a lot of people love him. He’s something of a prophet, or a saint. Your heart bursts when you think of his work, the glory of what he produced. 

-“If a child of Adam loses his (very) eyesight—becomes blind—and s/he is patient with this calamity (displays perseverance and determination, against these odds)—I promise Heaven, for her; she will be among the inhabitants of heaven, paradise.” -islamic hadith. (God is the speaker; the first person “I” is God, in this particular hadith.)

~

I don’t think I was really giving anything—any task or activity—my full best, in my life. Looking back at my life, I don’t think I ever really gave any task or assignment “my fullest effort”—I barely ever did. I don’t know whether you would call this absent-mindedness, or lack of strong will and motivation, or what have you. However, drawing is one of the few things that I can say I’d actually put in serious attentiveness and care into, while I was doing it—I mean it’s all about the passion you have for the particular subject, at the end of the day. No one is content with every field or subject matter that s/he engages with, whether in school or in wider life—through internships, volunteer work, observational experiences, and etc. You really just have to enjoy what you’re doing—or at least not hate it. That’s the secret. The secret is that there is no secret. You have to choose what you like, or choose something in its peripheral, in its vicinity. If you truly don’t feel you can make it in a particular field because of its ‘freelance’ or unpredictable nature; I understand. Choose its ‘sister’ field, or one of its branches or sub-fields that is more job-friendly, and etc. I mean, obviously; don’t choose ‘doctor’ if your true aspiration is ‘music.’ Just choose music teacher, or music producer, or music therapist; or something that you can make a steady career out of, without much trouble. Who said everyone has to be doctors and lawyers, anyway? I’ve actually personally seen more than a few doctors and medical professionals who obviously had some deep issues, themselves—they looked unhappy and quite exasperated, with the job. I’ve actually been rudely insulted and mistreated by several health care providers, before…and I couldn’t help but wonder if they truly wanted to be there, at all. I’d wondered if they were happy with what they had chosen. Maybe it’s truly not what it’s cracked up to be; maybe they truly had some issues, and were unhappy with things—-with their own profession, for one example. Who knows(?) Everybody has problems; sometimes quite serious ones. I just think you owe it to yourself to at least choose a path in life that you enjoy. If you really don’t like it, do not do it simply for the money. Nor for the prestige, or honor. I mean, your dissatisfaction with the job might show through, and it might become apparent in your demeanor and actions, and things of that sort. I honestly have the feeling that 1/2 of the “behavioral problems” that people demonstrate to others—one half of the mistreatment and rude demeanor—is truly because people are unhappy at work. They hate what they do, they’re not happy with their work. (This might not be a genuine excuse to treat people badly and blow up on people, but at least it’s an actual ‘reason’ why people are rude, sometimes. They’re probably unhappy at work. They don’t like what they do. That’s why they snarl at you. It’s nothing to do with you, obviously.)

Allah is enough for me, and He is the best disposer of affairs; what an excellent Patron, and what an excellent Helper.