c:

I feel that with the resources that are available to me, the sketchbooks and pens; the journals; the documentaries and biopic films; the music in the candid style that I enjoy; the books and memoirs; with these accessible resources, I don’t feel that I have a true reason to be sad. I mean I don’t think I’ve had the most ‘successful’ kind of life, one filled with impressive professional accomplishments and credentials. I don’t feel that I have a lot of cultural capital, a lot of stake in the valuables of life—the social signposts and endpoints to avail oneself of. (Gains and benefits that keep multiplying, and that are beneficial even when stagnant and unmoving.) Despite that, I feel that I’ve managed pretty well with certain severe difficulties and hindrances which might have broken or disturbed other people, or reverted them to an empty state, one in which they’d be unable to find true meaning in their lives, anymore. 

Meaningfulness was always something I’d had difficulty with, actually. I have existential worries, inherently; it’s nothing to do with the troubles and conflicts I’ve had in my own life. I’ve always had a hard time finding meaning in the phases, eras, and content/substance of my own life—and of wider existence. Not to come across as a weirdo who is eternally troubled and lost, but I always had problems with figuring out why we’re here, and where we’re headed, and stuff. ‘Where did we come from, and where are we going?’; and etc. It was always hard for me.

It’s funny, ‘cause even when you think about the most pressing sociopolitical questions and problems, I think you’ll find that they’re actually not shared by everyone, at all times; they’re not universal problems in the sense that they affect everyone, at all times, everywhere. For example, poverty and war–(inter)national conflict and financial difficulty. Those are probably the two severest problems, sociopolitically speaking. And yet they obviously aren’t encompassing everyone on earth; most people today aren’t entrapped in them, personally, I think. Most people aren’t captive to (these) harsh sociopolitical conditions, I think; the majority aren’t. -And so it can’t be conditions like poverty and war that tie us all together; those are more like negative sociopolitical conditions that desperately need solutions. 

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I was never really 100% interested in people who are professionals in international relations, economic development, public policy, and stuff like that. Not as much as I am interested in therapists, teachers, social workers, clergymen, architects, artists, and stuff like that—people who work one-on-one with others, and who have independent projects and physical, sensory work that they partake in. That sort of thing had always captured my attention. The more mezzo- and- macro- level that the specific occupations are, the less I am interested in them. If it’s a choice between the individual heart and mind and tactile projects and undertakings, vs. tackling the complex problems of the world and defective systems and structures, I’d choose the former option. It’s more my thing; it’s hard to explain why.

I believe in god pretty strongly, despite life’s negativities. I believe in god with no formal religion. (I was born and raised Muslim, though.) Other people have their own ways of coping with the confusion and evils of life, beyond the idea of god–they’re atheists and agnostics. And many others seem to avoid the tactic of making sense of the world through religious belief. They believe in god, but not to fulfill an existential question or concern, like ‘why are we here,’ or ‘what is the ultimate purpose or point of our existence.’ Instead, they believe because it makes sense to them—they think that the universe cannot have come into existence on its own, without an initiator, and etc., etc. So for them, it’s a logical belief—an appeal to logos—rather than a more-emotional or sentimental belief, an appeal to pathos or emotion. Believing in a divine spirit for existential problems like ‘why are we here’ and ‘where are we going’ is ministering to one’s emotions, I think, rather than a strict appeal to logos, or logic. (It might be both, actually; solving one’s existential problems through belief in god is both an appeal to logic and to emotion. Wanting a true Plan and greater purpose comes from both passion and logic; it fills an emotional and a logical void.) For some reason, the emotional appeal of god is more valuable than the logical appeal, to me. I’m actually not that logical of a person; I’m more emotionally moved and invested/inclined.

I don’t have a formal religion, I think they’re all true. I’m a universalist, I guess—omnism. | I’ve had some problems with forming good connections with people, in my life—I’ve been isolated, and I’ve been shy even with the few social situations I’ve managed to be part of. I actually don’t like being around other people, it’s hard for me. I’m probably asocial, honestly. -I don’t really mind any of the negative things that have happened to me in the past; both the good and the bad have a lot to offer. I hope I manage to let go of my sense of displacement and of not belonging anywhere; my sense of drift and unease, restlessness.