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I think I might have figured something out about myself: in regards to the creative sector, I’m more of a craftsperson and a fine arts practitioner, a practicing visual artist. This is why I have such a difficult time adjusting to aspects of visual media that are “allied arts,” or semi-art—disciplines that are related to visual art, but that are infused with other, more-technical elements. A good example of what I’m referring to is the fact that illustration is related to things like animation and graphic design, but is not inherently either one of those disciplines—it’s its own field, its own thing. It’s more fine arts than is animation or graphic design. I enjoy illustration, and I would like to ‘make it’ as a successful illustrator, rather than ‘settling for’ graphic design or animation. I’m not very good, and I don’t have formal art education or training, but I think there’s a place for my highly stylized look. (“Highly stylized” meaning non-realistic, and not intending to accurately portray the human form. Well I think I’m better at depicting nature scenes, domestic scenes, still lifes of inanimate figures, and etc.—more so than I can portray the human figure, portraiture.) And so I like illustration. I don’t know if I should go for graphic design or animation “in its place”—I’m not sure if I should settle for disciplines that I don’t deeply enjoy solely for the benefit of steady work, solely to find steady work and permanent employment. Something tells me that I should stick to illustration, and remain with my partiality to it. Same thing with photography, too—the same type of narrative applies here. I often try to convince myself to go into things like video editing, rather than photography. Video editing ensures steady employment much more so than does photography, I think. And yet I don’t really want to go for that field—as interesting and stimulating as the field is, it’s not fulfilling enough for me. I’ve actually edited a few videos before, and I’ve actually done some graphic design, and I’ve also done 2d animation, before. (The graphic design work was volunteer work for a few nonprofits; and the video editing and animation work was done on my own time, as personal creative projects.) None of them really resonated with me—not even 60%. I didn’t even feel 60% gratified with it. You have to feel gratified, you have to feel a real connection with the practice. I feel a connection with photography, and I feel it with illustration. I haven’t really managed to make that connection with anything else, with any of the “allied” arts disciplines, as I like to call it.

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I actually have a hard time caring for myself and looking after myself well. I might need a chunk of time each day to really take care of myself properly. I don’t think a full-time job is really for me, fully. I know most people probably feel the same way; that’s everybody’s feeling and reality. “I don’t want to devote all this time to this particular service of mine, no matter how much I enjoy it. My full-time schedule is too much.” But I think that with my smi/serious mental illness; with my love for homemaking and looking after a home (preparing regular meals, keeping the place clean, running all of the errands for the home, etc. I feel that I have a knack for that, I have a talent for that. And it gives me great satisfaction too, for some reason. And it’s crucial work: it’s not really ‘optional,’ throughout life); with my plans for being an active parent and caretaker for any children I might have in the future (I’m planning on adopting all of my children, if I ever meet someone and start a family); with the difficulty I have with caring for myself, anyway; I feel that a part-time work schedule might be better for me, it might work out better. I mean when I say I have difficulty caring for myself, I’m afraid I have to include basic health and hygiene practices, like getting fresh air, exercising now and then, eating healthily, being hygienic, and etc. These things are mostly non-negotiable, you can’t circumvent them for long. Same thing with keeping up with a house, cooking, getting errands done, and etc. You can’t really skip out on them for very long. I mean I always sort of told myself that I would work full-time and do all of the aforementioned necessities whenever I have free time. But I’m really starting to understand that in my own specific case, this plan might not work out smoothly. If I currently have trouble with basic necessities of living healthily and hygienically and functionally—by taking care of myself and my surroundings, and by doing basic requirements of day to day living—what do I think is gonna happen when I get a full-time position? What do I expect? Isn’t personal care (for one example) going to get worse? There’s only so many hours in a day, even today, without full-time employment.

I’m really starting to believe that part-time work might be a better arrangement for me—at least for the next few years, maybe for the next five or six years. There’s actually nothing wrong with working part-time. And I actually know a lot of stay-at-home moms/stay at home parents—their homes are spick and span; their families are healthy due to proper healthy meals and exercise; their children are well-balanced and well-behaved/well-adjusted. They’re always caught up well with their schoolwork and studies, and they’re well looked after; the moms themselves are often active in their neighborhoods through volunteer work; their neighbors seem to really like them, because the mothers/parents are ‘awake,’ and not in a fog from coming home tired every day, with no sense of their surroundings or environment; and etc. In other words, they’re doing phenomenally well. *I know that not every couple and not every family can survive on one single income; I know that for a hard fact. I’m just saying that if they have that option at all; and if one of them happens to have a mental or physical condition that hinders his/her ability to look after herself optimally; and if s(he) can actually be a big help at home and can manage the domestic affairs fairly well, if s/he can be a big help in that way; then I don’t see why it’s looked down on in society. You’re actually providing a huge service to your family and possibly to your wider community by being a good parent and facilitator—I don’t know why it’s dissed so much, the whole idea. Unpaid labor isn’t less valuable. | For me, I just have to work part time to the best of my ability, for the coming years. I recently graduated from college last December ’21—and I’m currently trying to find work as an academic tutor or a TA, an elementary-school tutor or a TA. I think if I can find work in this field or in similar fields, and if I can do that for the coming few years—I have to pay back a small sum of student loans, and I have to get a savings account created, as a rainy day fund, and stuff—if I can work part time for some years, this will definitely give me some time and some room to think things over and to come to some real decisions about my life, and about how I should spend it/live it out. I think part-time work might be optimal for me, as aforementioned. Some people thrive as SAHMs/homemakers; some women thrive as full-time workers, outside of the home; and some women, I assume, are at optimal performance with a reduced/flexible work schedule. They want to work at some type of work setting, but they need free hours throughout the day for personal tasks and responsibilities. I’m probably of the third type, I guess. It’s taken me absolutely forever to realize this about myself, it’s taken maybe 7 years, for some odd reason. 

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I think I can make a good para-educator, and a good photographer. (And an illustrator.) It’s a great idea, I think this suits me better than most other careers. I’ll work a reduced amount of hours, I’ll take on a part-time schedule. I just need to be very open with my immediate family about this; I have to tell them that I don’t plan on working full-time, anytime soon. I’ll be helping out in other ways; I’ll be contributing around the house very aggressively; I’ll be working part-time. I’ll try to not ‘do nothing’ for any significant periods of time; I have to keep myself busy with all my activities and to-dos. I think this general type of trajectory is best for me; I think this is the best arrangement for me.

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So, in regards to the ideas of graphic design/web design/videography/animation, etc…nothing? None of the above(?) It’s rly uncomfortable and funny to realize it. I had thought that I had to do something related to one of those four/five fields, something steady and secure, like that. It’s really weird to ‘give up on’ all of them. So, not only am I not going to go into graphic design, but it turns out that even things like web design, animation arts, and video production/video editing are not for me, either. | I mean I think I have a good plan for the immediate future; a day job, and freelance photography work. The good news is that photographers are actually in-demand for the upcoming decade, I think; I’ve looked up the job outlook for the upcoming decade, and there’s a good market for it, for the upcoming ten years or so. Granted, most of the available positions are on a freelance basis, a project-by-project basis—contract work. But that just simply indicates that I might do it as side-income, as a side career. I’ll try to secure employment as a library assistant or a para-professional or something similar, as my day job. | It’s sad to let go of the idea of being a graphic designer; it actually would have been highly do-able, for me. I’m extremely capable of that role. I just know I wouldn’t be fulfilled or content with it; it’s not really my cup of tea. -Hey, at least with library assistantship and with being in education in some capacity—at least it leaves room for illustration and photography and etc. by night, and in my free time. *I feel that with graphic design—I mean it’s already a creative outlet, a visual communications outlet. And so illustration and photography would become somewhat unnecessary—it wouldn’t be nearly as ‘special,’ or joy-inducing, anymore. There’d be a sense of redundancy in there. ‘I’m already designing documents and promotional materials in a highly visually appealing way—what do I need side illustration/photography for. I don’t really need to do those things on the side, anymore.’ That’s what I feel I would experience if I were to go into graphic design as my profession. In my own case, it would clash somehow with certain other creative aspirations and plans/dreams that I have. *And at the same time, I’m not passionate enough about design, as a potential main focus. As aforementioned, I’m attracted to ‘pure’ art forms; drawing, photography, and so on. (And poetry, creative writing, and etc.) I like the undiluted arts, the fine arts. I like what I like. So I’m just gonna have to say no to the graphic design thing, the web design thing, the animation thing, the video production thing, and etc. I consider this personal essay/this creative nonfiction piece to be the final nail in the coffin on my visual communications aspirations. I no longer plan to go into visual communication/visual media as my main source of employment. None of the various fields suit me, 100%. What does suit me is the fine arts; drawing, illustration, photography, and etc. These specific fields open the door for contractual work, for freelance work. Hardly anyone is really employed in-house as a staff illustrator or a staff photographer. Only a few people are, I’ve heard. (I guess no company/establishment really wants to take on a permanent employee for their illustration/photography work that they need to get done; it’s more economical and cost-effective to temporarily employee people as contractual workers/as freelance workers. These folks get paid for [their] temporary work, they get paid on a project by project basis.) And so I really just have to make adjustments in my overall life; I have to find employment that suits me, that I enjoy well enough, that I will stick with; something that invigorates me and energizes me; something that I can at least do as day work, while I do illustration and photography on the side. | So, I’m not gonna register for any graphic design classes, in the future. ): Nor any video editing classes, nor any website design classes. ): It’s difficult to come to terms with this. I always said to myself that once I was done with my awful experience in undergrad, as a literature/liberal arts and sciences major (I studied English lit., editing/revision, and social sciences); I said to myself that I would jump all in with graphic design, with visual communication and visual media design. It turns out that I’m even more artsy than that—I enjoy the fine arts way more than (and at the expense of) visual design and media. (*Actually, the two are like night and day, in many respects. Just because visual media and the allied arts can utilize drawing and illustration doesn’t mean that they are similar enough to drawing and illustration; it doesn’t mean that all of these fields are similar enough such that a person can enjoy all of them with similar fervor. You really just have to choose one, I guess—assuming that you’re going to go into one of them, in particular.)

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I really am happy with my journey, so far. I’m happy with the whole thing; I don’t think I’ve done very badly with my educational and professional journey so far. Knowing where you don’t belong and where you aren’t comfortable, is half the battle, sometimes. I’ve actually done a bit of volunteer graphic design work; I’ve done a substantial amount of illustrative work, too, for various nonprofits and mags/very small publications. I’ve tutored elem. school; and I’ve tried to lead a classroom on a couple of occasions. I’ve done a few weeks’ worth of editing-related work; reading over creative writing submissions, and beta reading—screening submissions in a publishing//literary magazine context. I’ve also looked into grant writing/nonprofit grant writing, through a couple of formal college courses, and through liaising with a small local nonprofit in my locality, the one I’d been volunteering with on a small scale, for some time. And I finished my college diploma, as aforementioned; I did undergrad. (I’m never going back to school for the aforementioned type of academic program ever again, though. It’s not for me; formal studies was never for me. College is not for everyone; it was not fit for me in the slightest. I was stupid for pushing on with it for far too long; I should have dropped out.)

So I’m actually glad that I’ve decided to forgo the whole graphic design thing; I’m more of an illustrator and a photographer. I’m glad that I’ve had some formal experience with editing, academic research and writing, and the humanities and social sciences—English lit., history, psychology, sociology, and etc. I’ve taken classes in all of those fields, at least a couple classes in each one of those fields. I’m glad I’ve tried to do certain internships and volunteer work within the visual arts, editing/publishing, grant writing/nonprofit communications, and teaching/tutoring. I’m glad I’ve done all that; you never know unless you try. I’m glad I have certain passions and certain creative//paraprofessional plans to achieve.

Good luck to myself; I know I can make it all work out, with god’s grace. I’ve overcome a lot of negativity, and so I know it’s not feasible or good to stop now; not after I’ve come this far. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, in a very purposeful and intent way. Library assistantship/grade school TA’ing (or something similar) and photography/art on the side, is a good choice. Ikhtiaar hilo, like they say in arabic. (Lovely choice.) | Life is good, despite anything negative that happens. (“Despite everything negative that happens, I believe that life and most people really are good.” I think that’s a quote from Anne Frank. ):

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