c:

I feel that I don’t really have a clear sense of direction, a lot of the time. This lack of direction is mixed with fear, and bitterness over certain things that had happened to me in the past. I also tend to get severely impatient and uneasy with the lack of progress I’ve made so far, regarding my career and my overall goals and aspirations.

I think I’ll just go for animation, for my “first” career. I’ll try to go for this, moving forward. You have to start with something, in life—and all options are equally good, roughly speaking. I initially wanted to go into graphic design as my “first career,” after college—as my first full-time job, my first career. But for some weird reason, I just feel that there’s something else I should do regarding this “initial” phase of my working life. I don’t wanna get off on the wrong foot; I don’t wanna start out by being in a field that I’m not deeply passionate about. As much as I love design and all of the endless creative possibilities that it entails, I know that I’m much more comfortable with drawing and artistic rendering. I don’t see why I should bypass this chance to go into animation, I don’t see any logical reason to go into graphic design; video editing/videography; or anything else, for that matter.

I used to believe that I should go into illustration, as a duty to myself. I had convinced myself pretty strongly that this “pure” art form, this “undiluted” art form of illustration, was all I really wanted, at the expense of all other options. I had convinced myself that choosing anything else, choosing any other option other than illustration, was “settling” for other than what I really wanted. I actually like illustration so much that I convinced myself that deciding on anything else, deciding on any other option, was not advisable; it would be “settling.” But I’ve recently realized that you can have a soft spot for illustration while choosing animation arts as your career—you can have a certain subject as your main passion, and then choose another related field as a more stable option, a steadier work option. Illustrators usually work freelance, I think–and so that’s why I felt that I should choose something else as a more stable foundation and footing. Not that animation isn’t often freelance, as well–but I’ve actually heard that many animators work in-house, as regular employees.

~

I’m lucky enough to come from a family that simply wants me to be happy and successful—content, and independent—with any field I choose, with any career that I choose. So, they’re ok with anything—they’re not hung up on the idea of “having to go into specific fields,” like medicine, law, engineering, teaching/education, journalism, etc. Those fields are for sure more stable and secure than many other jobs; but my own family is down for me doing almost anything. As long as I have a genuine plan forward for success; and as long as the career is not inherently freelance by nature—as long as there’s a good chance for permanent employment, and for being a regular in-house employee, a staff member, then they’re ok with it. I think this specific aspect of being a regular staff employee is really important to my family. They really value hard work; they value building rapport with people, with the people at your workplace. They value gaining and earning that sense of trust with your superiors/your supervisors/your work managers; they respect being a regular part of a company/organization. This phenomenon of gaining stability, and of having a daily grind, a thing to do during the day; having a good work ethic, and being a recognized, appreciated member of an organization or company—this was always really important to my folks. It’s valuable to them, it’s revered. And so as long as the specific field is at least ‘promising’ in terms of finding regular, permanent employment, a staff position–then they’re cool with it, they’re ok with it. A lot of jobs actually require some unpaid internships and some preliminary effort beforehand, before the person can secure a regular paid position for herself. It’s all good; it’s called paying your dues and getting situated with the field, I guess.

I think the fact that I had been affected so badly by my mental illness, in my life—I’m schizoaffective—this difficult element of my life has made my family feel sorry for me, and so they just want me to be happy, now. (*I think a lot of people, a lot of young people, have experienced similar narratives. They recovered from a pretty bad and horrific era of bipolar or schizophrenia or something similar, and after they became stable on meds/on treatment, their families told them that they can choose what they want, for their career. They don’t have to go into medicine or law or anything like that, anymore. “Just forget it–just do what makes you happy. Do what makes you joyous and content, and ok. We wanna see you happy and successful in doing what brings you joy.” So my family “just” wants me to do what I find happiness in and what I can stick with, throughout the years. I know that not every family—not all parents—are ok with their kid studying a creative art, a craft, in college. Under normal circumstances—when there’s been no serious illness or disorder so far, for one example—the parents tell the son or daughter that ‘we’re not paying for that; we’re not paying for graphic design; photography; animation arts; etc. Choose a more secure field, something that has a 100% money-back guarantee; something ‘tenured’ and financially stable. And choose something societally revered, too.” (‘Cause you know; sometimes the kid can choose a field or subject matter that’s financially advantageous and lucrative, but it’s not well-respected by society or by their specific community or cultural background. Kids are often pressured to choose something both financially stable and socially accepted and respected; they need to cover all bases, so to speak.) Well I was lucky enough to have parents that were pretty down for me doing what I really wanted to do. I think my illness had a role to play with their stupendous leniency, as aforementioned. They simply wanna see me happy now, in this second phase of my life, this ‘afterwards’ phase, after we found appropriate treatment for my condition.

Well I’m excited. Hopefully everything will turn out ok. With god, all things are possible. I believe in god, I believe in myself, and I believe in the goodness of life. alhamdulillah, all praise be to allah, s.w.t.

ty**. xxo