:3

I’ve had so many difficult moments in my life. And I suffered for it—unnecessarily, at times. I used to subconsciously think that the defining moments of my life were the very difficult, embarrassing, less-fine moments; the ugly and perplexing moments, the ones that casted me in a negative light. But why highlight the worst moments in my life—why go for those as indicators of my character? I also had a lot of moments in my life where I felt that others were not treating me fairly; they were overstepping their bounds, they were crossing boundaries in ways that felt violent and intentionally harmful. But I’m not gonna dwell on it anymore. ): I also used to come across quite a lot of content online (articles, social media posts, and etc.) that I felt were quite rude and offensive, quite inconsiderate and hurtful. I used to get effected by it in negative ways; it was strangely distressing. But I think these days, I’m slowly but surely turning things around. I’m doing some conscious deep breathing, I’m meditating a bit more. I’m reading some spiritual writings and some social science-types of materials, and a variety of poetry/prose writing. (I’m expanding my scope, and I’m trying to read writings about the difficult experiences other people have had—the lives they’ve lived and the insights they’ve gained. I’m also trying to read about the world and how it works, and the optimal ways in which it can or should function. I try and read nonfiction by people with severe psychiatric disorders, and I try to read books by people in the legal sector. I’m interested in immigration lawyers, and disability/mental health lawyers//criminal defense attorneys for people with mental illnesses and other impairments, and etc. I’m trying to develop a better consciousness of particular segments of the population, and how they see the world//what they themselves are going through currently, and etc. I myself have a history of serious mental illness, psychotic disorder.) |

People often say that there’s a dichotomy between social activism and social consciousness, and I think they’re right. Some people seem to be highly socially active, and some people seem to be highly socially conscious; and some people are both. I think the journey often starts with an awareness of certain social issues, and a desire to refine one’s understanding; and so I think that social consciousness is often a better starting point in one’s career. | I think I myself want to go into video production and post-production, for my day-job. I think this is an ok choice for me; it seems to be a good fit. I think I’ll try to work on projects that have some significance to myself and to certain others, certain niche audiences in the population. I wanna see if I can film short documentaries, and I wanna see if I can work with video production companies to create good content, good film and video content. And I wanna work with small companies and agencies to help film and edit wedding videos (and other special event vids), community events, and other things. I don’t know if I’ll work as an actual videographer for the majority of the time; I think I enjoy editing and post-production more so than filming on location. But let’s see what happens. You never know, I guess; it might all work out well. I’m hoping everything goes ok; I’m hoping to forget about the negative times, and to come out of my shell and give things my best effort. And I guess I wanna do creative work that brings me joy and that makes an impact on society, and on how people think and feel about things. I wanna see if i can influence audiences and viewers in a good way, through positive media and ‘important’ content and materials. I can’t help but think that I want to work on content that goes into domestic abuse, mental illness/neurodevelopmental disorders, social isolation, and similar issues. Whenever a story or a video/doc. like that gets published, one that I worked on, I feel that it’s my own narrative too, that’s getting out there. Sometimes people have very similar stories, and helping to work on niche films (and videos; educational presentations) that are about certain causes and topics would help me, I feel. It would be similar to getting my own story out there, I guess. And it lets people know that they’re not alone and that there is hope, lots of hope beyond the negativity. The negativity is not all there is, in life; there’s lots of positivity and lots of hope beyond the negative. We often get so caught up with the negative that we forget about the things that are going alright. Also; there’s often a way out of the negative, out of difficult circumstances. There’s lots of help in the community, out of difficult circumstances. There’s psychiatric help, therapeutic help, domestic violence/abuse help, and many other types. We might face a lot of trials in life, but we shouldn’t let that define us; we can’t let it overpower us and get the better of us. It’s extremely difficult, but god is with us; things get better after a while.

~

I was an English major in college, and I initially thought that I would do something related to that; maybe library science, grant writing, nonprofit coordination, teaching ESL, or something like that. But that type of thing is not for me, really. I also seriously considered graphic design, and that sort of thing. But for some reason, I don’t see myself diligently doing that, for the coming years. This is despite the fact that I have done some legitimate art and design work in the past, and it had went alright. -And so I’m hoping that the video production work that I’ll do in the near future will fulfill me; I hope it’ll be ok. I think it’s mostly about gaining as much experience as you can, and studying your classes really well, and then applying for entry-level jobs with companies and agencies that you feel are a good fit for you. Honestly, I’m a little bit worried, because I’m a black female who is kind of shy and reserved; I have a hard time with talking to people sometimes. I’m sort of scared of people, and I have cognitive problems. But I know that not trying, and calling it quits before I even try, is not an option for me, personally. That I don’t try my best to get myself situated and to find work, a career that I can comfortably do, is not an option. This is especially considering that I’m bad at customer service and related things; I feel I can’t do what are called odd jobs, that easily. I’m better at desk jobs, and grade school tutoring, and things like that. I get overwhelmed quickly, and the hustle and bustle of working retail or anything like that, is unfortunately out of the question for me. But I’m definitely going to see if I can get in with reception/secretarial work, or tutoring, or similar things, whilst I finish up a certificate in videography/digital media. It should be ok. And at least my past experience has shown me what is unsuitable; high-level written work; store-related work, and etc. (My college experience and my efforts at working retail and etc. have proven this to me.) I just need to keep going; I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other in a very shrewd and focused way. I simply need to ‘get in where I fit in,’ and I need to be diligent about doing my job once I’m situated. -It would also help if I would forget about the negativity and the painful times, the embarrassing mistakes I’ve made in the past; the sticky situations I’ve went through. The absurdity of it is also part of life. And I should just breathe through everything, it’s ok. “Be where you are, or you will miss your life.” -Buddha. 

ty* 🙏🏽🌟