c:

I used to think that every victory and happy moment comes with a lot of pain and discomfort. But I’m starting to not assign too much meaning to the things that happen. Everything simply is, it’s part of existence. I don’t read into the negative things with too much intensity and devotion, anymore. Everything that’s happened has happened; everything that’s going to happen will happen. And everything that’s happening really is happening, though I might not like it. 

I’m not one to separate the phases of my life into different compartments; I don’t think there’s such a dividing line between the various phases and time stamps. They bleed into each other, they’re one. -Fear and panic are real things in my life, though. I should let those go, they don’t serve a good purpose in most cases. I guess for the vast majority of people, they’re highly destructive. 

I didn’t really have a very good relationship with my mother, in my life—nor with most of my household members. Couldn’t say why. It was simply hard to go through. We didn’t communicate that much, and when we did, things often ended up in fights or negative words, wounds. My two siblings are much older than me—6 and 1/2 years, and 9 years older—and I guess I did have severe mental illness in my life which might have severed my relationship with my siblings, for some reason. Couldn’t tell you why, but things were never the same after I had found treatment for my mental illness. I don’t understand some of the things that had went on between us, even after I was properly treated/medicated. A lot of our interactions seemed so lopsided, so bizarre and painful. I honestly feel that we might have all tried to some extent, but we simply couldn’t get along that well. I really don’t talk to them much anymore, nor do I care to. They live in different states from me, for the most part. But I’m not really looking into those particular relationships anymore. 

I’m trying to forget about all the negative moments in my life; I’m trying to focus on reading, and similar things. I hopefully start school again in January for film and video studies, with a focus on the production side. It’ll be more of a focus on media production and post-production, rather than the theoretical side, the humanities side. I think the certificate program I’m trying to do is formally titled ‘Digital Video, certificate of completion.’ I think this field is what I want to do. Hopefully everything will be ok. It’ll be my first semester studying this specific subject, I guess. I recently graduated from an English lit. program–which as it turns out, wasn’t the right placement for me at all. -I’ll see where my new educational journey takes me, the one that’s coming up in Jan. I’ll try to pay attention and take as much away from it as possible. I think I want to go into film and video editing once I’m done with school; and I might go into photo editing too, as a photo editor/photography assistant. I like these sorts of hands-on media production things. I know there’s something called sound technician/audio technician too, and so I’m currently researching that and trying to find out more. (I was actually initially looking into graphic design/web design, but I guess I switched course a little bit//I got into other things.)

~

I’m trying to find peace with myself, with god, and with everything that has happened in the past. I think it was wise of me to avoid certain negative things in my life; I never really hung out with bad company or used any harmful substances, or anything like that. I think in my case, it was more like negative things that had happened to me, rather than negative things I had actively done. It was things like inherited mental illness, family issues, social isolation, and similar things. (And bullying problems at school, and so forth.) But I think these are slowly becoming memories now; I don’t really think about them that deeply anymore. 

alhamdulillah, praise and thanks be to god. I just have to take things one day at a time and try to make good use of my days. The best use, in fact. I feel like my days are all I have. They’re my handiwork, they’re how I fill my time. I try to be productive, and I try to find the best in every day. ‘Such-and-such went ok, today.’ ‘I practiced my hygiene really well, today.’ ‘I cooked a healthy meal and I did my immediate (upcoming) assignments, for my classes.’ Anything. As long as it’s a good achievement, or a positive development, I don’t let it go unnoticed or unthanked. I’m grateful to god.

Well ty**. (Subhan allah al-adheem.) It’s been a long journey, but in many ways I’m just getting started. I’m twenty eight, I’m looking at a long and healthy life ahead, god willing. Extremely long, and extremely healthy; this is what I’m looking forward to, and praying for. Just keep going, who cares about the negative stuff. You didn’t do anything wrong; very little wrong. -This is what I wish I would have realized a long time ago. Just stop thinking about it; who cares. You’re part of the universe; no sane individual deliberately wants to harm you. -And stuff like that; I wish I would have realized these very basic truths a long time ago. 😢

ty**.<3 ❤