I don’t understand why certain things happened, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. Life is suffering. I tend to suspect that certain rumors and fabrications about me have circulated around, and that most listeners or bystanders have believed them. Job is my patron saint, yellow is my favorite color, god is my witness.
I don’t have any friends. I have a very nice next door neighbor, a good family friend next door to us—about ten years older than me, and east African, like us. I have a few cousins in Sudan that I adore, first cousins who I’m quite partial to. I live here in America though, so I don’t get to see them. And I have a childhood friend (our parents are good friends) whom I still have a bond with, although we were never that tight or close. I think we’re two different personalities; she’s much more sociable and ‘open’ than I am. And I have a few acquaintances, buddies from back in high school that I haven’t really spoken to in years. That’s it, that’s everyone in my ‘inner circle,’ or lack thereof.
I moved to the United States in high school, though I was here in elementary school too, from ages five to ten. I was in the UAE from ages 10 to 14. I was born in Sudan, and I came to the United States for the first time at age five. I’m now 29 years old.
I wish things were a little bit better in my life right now, but I know life is a trial. I actually recently got accepted for a job, a behavior technician role at a school that provides specialized services for young people with neurodevelopment conditions. I hope everything goes ok with it. I know I have to be somewhat relaxed and natural with it; I tend to be high-strung and nervous, sometimes. I actually haven’t been around people in a close-knit environment for some time now. I haven’t formed emotional bonds with people since forever, good bonds of friendship and camaraderie, support and understanding. I hope I manage to make good eye contact and do conscious breathing, throughout my time there. I’m not expecting anything other than to do my job to the best of my ability, and to help as much as possible. (I was in Key Club and the MSA, Muslim students association, in high school. And I attended community college and four-year school as an English major. I also tutored elementary schoolers for five months, some years ago while I was a college student.)
I don’t know how I reached this stage of my life, or how I got here. But in other ways, it does make sense I guess. It’s been filled with ups and downs. I think my ‘best moments’ were when I was alone, in silence, being at peace with my surroundings and with my own life, and with the universe.
You need patience the likes of Job to get through life, but it’s also wonderful. It’s a wonderful life, regardless of how bad it gets or how painful it can be.
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