It’s the third day of Ramadan, 2022. May allah swt accept all of our prayers during this blessed month. May he give strength to the ummah and to all humanity; insha Allah everything will be ok.
I don’t really think that I was supposed to be as stagnant as I have been, in my life. It seems that many of the people I see around me are in a constant state of moving upwards and onwards, whereas I myself tend to be stagnant and not progress, or advance forward, or even simply become a renewed and rejuvenated version of myself, as time goes on. The one thing I will credit myself with is that I feel that I managed to get over certain negative frames of mind, somehow. I managed to sort of leave off (abandon) certain negative mind-frames. I think that one of the most important things to let go of and “leave off” is negative thinking; rumination, worry, extreme stress…and maybe fear, above all. All of these things create a certain paralysis in you, and they make it difficult to live life normally, let alone optimally.
I’ve had some difficulty lately with certain negative events that had happened to me; it’s always hard to let go of actual events and negative situations that occur to you. I’m trying to not dramatize these events, or exaggerate them in my mind, though. I know that nothing really matters in life, especially the things that cause pain. They’re not significant beyond the liberation, release, and purification that they compel one to undergo. Otherwise—if one doesn’t acquire this positive interpretation from the negative events beyond one’s control—he’s just gonna be unhappy, I guess. He’s not going to see the forest for the trees, and definitely not a silver lining in the situation. He’s not gonna see any real meaning or purpose behind anything negative that happens. He’ll over-suffer with catastrophes that might occur in his own life, or to others, or to wider society.
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I’ve sort of recently realized that I’m never going to have a full-time, high end, high-paying job—never in my life. Not at any time. Instead, I’ll work part-time (about 20 hours a week, I guess) at what we might call low-paying jobs. My serious mental illness—schizoaffective disorder, depressive type—my cognitive problems that result from it, and my extreme difficulty with caring for myself in basic ways, rules out any possibility of full-time work, I think. And if I ever meet someone, I wanna be a homemaker and parent. I might work part-time even as a homemaker and parent.
The thing with me is: I feel that I’m the type of person who was never destined to make more than what is called average salary, per year. And so I’ve officially cut off all hope for high end, high paying jobs. I’m not the type of person for that, especially with my SMI. | I’ll work part time for some time; I’ll try to find steady part time work. Maybe even 30 hours a week, or something. I actually think that 25 thousand/year (for example) is good; it’s an improvement over $0/year. I might try to get into graphic design work and visual communications work, later on–this general area is higher-paying than the odd jobs I will work in for the coming few years. But uh, graphic design and visual arts is a very competitive industry, itself. But I can break in if I try hard enough, I think. I’m also thinking about going into content writing/copywriting–becoming a marketing writer and informatory writer for nonprofits and social service agencies, in particular. I’d write the copy, or the marketing material/general communications material for these types of good-cause groups and organizations. I’ll look around for stuff (opportunities) in my area/locality. And so I’ll look for work as either a graphic designer or a content writer for small companies here in the northern Virginia area, when the time comes. I’ll work on taking care of myself and of all my personal responsibilities, and I’ll persevere with my temporary day jobs, until the time comes to apply for graphic design/content writing work. I have a Ba and some graphic design and writing samples to show. I just need a broader display of my work, and several completed internships, I guess, before I start applying for work in the graphic design and content writing/copywriting fields. But honestly, I might just as well decide to work what we call ‘odd jobs’ for the greater part of my life, on a part-time schedule. I have a small list of meaningful ‘odd jobs,’ or on-site work and labor that I’d either done in the past, or that I’d always had my eye on. These are things like elementary-school tutoring, library aid or library assistance, secretarial work for a homeless shelter or a domestic violence shelter (and similar auxiliary work for similar types of nonprofit organizations), and etc. Right at the moment, it’s honestly looking like I will simply take on part-time work with these kinds of ‘good-cause’ odd jobs. And I’ll simply try to do this for the rest of my life, rather than seek out full-time work in other types of roles. At least I already have some experience with things like after-school tutoring and working with small social-service nonprofits in a minor capacity. And so finding part-time work in these fields should be do-able, for me. On the other hand, I have little experience with more professional or grey collar work, like graphic design and copywriting. Those jobs are more high-end than after-school tutoring, library assistance, and secretarial work, I think. And so it might be harder for me to secure a job in those more professional, grey-collar fields. But in fact, I prefer the flexibility of part-time work, which is why I gravitate towards tutoring, library assistance, secretarial work, and similar things which provide a part-time option. I actually need a lot of ‘free time’ in order to take care of myself and my health; my home surroundings and my errands; and all of my personal responsibilities. | At any rate, I take great relief knowing that I am not the type of person to make more than average pay per year. Nobody would pay me more than something like $25,000 per year for what I might offer them, anyway; and so I don’t have to worry about the fact that I can’t go into high-paying work. It was never gonna happen, anyway. Realizing this actually gives me a lot of relief, and a lot of renewed focus and clarity for my life. I know exactly what I have to do now, more or less. At least I don’t have to worry about ‘what to do with my life,’ anymore; the options have narrowed down to an amount that is actually workable. There’s no real mystery, anymore; the puzzle has been solved. It just needs piecing together, now.
✨ **xo.
a portfolio 