RCE 4194: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Self-Coaching Journaling Assignment #3
Instructions: This time, I’d like your self-coaching journal to take the form of a 1500-word letter to yourself plus a P.S. paragraph to me. Once again, please take the time to write this assignment thoughtfully and with some depth. Only you and I will see your answers in their entirety – and I will not be judging their content but, rather, the depth of your responses. (See the evaluation rubric on page 2 for a complete list of grading criteria.)
In the letter, I’d like you to:
• Remind yourself of the ideas and practices that have seemed most important to you this semester. I know we’ve read and discussed quite a lot of material this semester and so the ideas may have to percolate for a while, but at this point, what are a few of the major feelings, breakthroughs, insights, or changes in belief that you have had during this class? Overall, what would you most like to remember?
• Remind yourself of your mission statement (written for Self-Coaching Journal #2) and of the values that are most important to you at this time in your life. Then, discuss a few ways that you are already succeeding in living your values, as well as a few ways you would like to live them even more diligently.
• Now, remind yourself of the intentions and/or goals that are most important to you at this time in your life. Discuss a few ways you are already succeeding toward seeing your intentions materialize or accomplishing your goals. (Go ahead – pat yourself on the back!) Then discuss several actions you plan to take soon to add to increase your success in moving forward.
• Now, identify one word, phrase, sentence, or practice that you would like to be sure to remember in a few months…and beyond. Here you are definitely setting an intention that is broader and more general than a goal, but it may act as a reminder or symbol of some of your other intentions/goals.
• Remember that this is a letter to yourself, so make sure you are talking to yourself in the letter – not to me.
• (Optional) If you want to add a “P.S. to Suzanne,” please feel free to write a few sentences about anything you would like me to know – about the class, my facilitation of the class, ideas for future classes, etc.
Add your answer here:
Ethar Hamid
07/30/2020
The idea or insight that I would most like to remember from this class is that of meta-attention. Tan states on page 30 that meta-attention is the act of constantly bringing your attention back to the object of focus —whatever task or thing you’re focusing on at the moment. Tan explains that concentration—being able to focus, and pay attention to something for an extended period of time—isn’t always manifested through never breaking your sense of clarity, or zeroing in on something. I.e., it doesn’t mean that you never get distracted or thrown off. Rather, concentration (or; meta attention, as he puts it) is the phenomenon of constantly and gently bringing your attention back to the object or task at hand. “When your meta attention becomes strong, you will be able to recover a wandering mind often, and if you recover attention quickly and often enough, you create the effect of continuous attention, which is concentration.” (Tan, p. 30.)
This insight and theory is really impactful, I think; it shows that the act of focus and concentration can still be attained despite a wandering mind. This idea seemed a little funny to me at first, because I had always assumed that proper concentration meant ‘never breaking your focus, and holding your attention at all times—just until you’re done with your task, or whatever you’re trying to accomplish.’ But Tan shows me that there is another kind of concentration; that of meta-attention. His explanation of meta-attention actually reminds me of the concept of ‘it doesn’t matter how often you fall; just keep getting back up.’ That’s a really powerful idea, too; it shows you that perfection and doing things perfectly, or moving along very well in life, isn’t the only way to ‘get there,’ or to become successful. It isn’t the only way to achieve things in life, or to meet your goals, or to move along, and get from point A to point B, and beyond. Rather, there exists another way to achieve in life, and to flourish and move forward; that of ‘getting up after you fall’—continuing to move despite falling, continually. It’s reassuring to know that that’s a perfectly legitimate way to move along, in life; to simply get up after you fall. This, rather than having to move along without ever falling—without ever messing up, or getting hurt, or having a difficult time. I’m definitely of the first kind of person; the method of getting up after falling, and continuing onwards, describes how I move along in life, far more than the somewhat crazy and stringent method of never falling, to begin with.
My mission statement, which I wrote about for the Self-Coaching Journal #2, is to do meaningful work that helps others. Whether that’s in my career work, volunteer work, or otherwise. I just want to fill a good chunk of my time doing work that positively affects something in the world. Honestly, even if this means simply taking good care of myself, and of my personal responsibilities, I’d be happy with that. I might be a homemaker for a considerable amount of my time, in life; I always thought that that is a very important job. I also like creative writing and illustration; and I also want to be a good mother to any kids I might have, in the future. I think these activities and roles all positively affect their intended target or audience–perhaps even more so than many paid careers. Homemaking, motherhood, writing, and visual art.
The values that are most important to me at this time in my life are resilience and courage, I think. ‘Resilience’ meaning ‘always moving forward with my goals, my aspirations, and with my life, in general.’ And ‘courage’ in terms of living life without being overcome by fear. I know that ‘courage is not the absence of fear; it is action in the face of fear.’ And so I don’t necessarily expect to live my entire life without feeling fear. But I do want to continuously move forward and grow, learn and develop, and meet all my goals without being overcome by fear. I actually think fear is one of the most difficult emotions to live despite of. In my opinion, it can often paralyze you to a certain extent, leaving you unable to function well in your life, or meet your goals and dreams. Or grow and develop, learn, and move forward with life, as aforementioned. It kind of stifles you, leaving you unable to do well with performing the necessary tasks of life. I think it can paralyze you, mentally—it freezes you up. And so that’s what makes it hard to thrive, despite of.
I actually think that I might have made some progress in living the values of courage and resilience—of living up to the two values I’ve identified as being important to me. In terms of the progress I’ve made in living with courage; I’ve actually had a few instances where I’d pushed through difficult moments, and have gotten over certain hurdles or roadblocks. At least in regards to that moment in time. I.e., that’s not to say that I’d completely overcome those difficulties, but I had continued to live, in the face of them. The difficulties and hindrances had induced fear and anxiety in me (and depression, sadness, etc.), but I had managed to push through, if only for a short time. Similarly, I feel I’ve shown some resilience in my life in terms of healing, when I’d get emotionally hurt or psychologically damaged. So I’ve actually gotten some healing done, and some moving on, despite certain problems I’d had. So I guess I had ‘picked myself up’ after getting hurt or falling a few times. So, living life with resilience is something I’ve actually managed to do, a few times. I just need to apply this value as strongly as possible, with all situations of life.
One intention or goal I have for myself, and which is quite important to me at this time in my life, is to not dwell on negative thoughts, emotions, or memories. To not think about them at all. In other words; to be able to control my thoughts, instead of my thoughts controlling me, and affecting me negatively, and etc.
This intention or goal is very important to me because I view it as one of the best ways to live peacefully; to live a tranquil existence. I’ve heard time and again about how thoughts and emotions may arise in you all the time, continuously. But the trick (or; the sure method, I should say) is to not attend to them–to not go with them, or be wrapped up in them. The way that I’ve actually phrased this teaching or philosophy is; thoughts may come (negative thoughts), but there’s a difference between their coming and your interacting with them. In other words, don’t think about them. That’s the simplest way I’ve been able to understand the aforementioned teaching; thoughts may come, but don’t ‘see them through,’ or try to rationalize them, or pacify them, or anything at all. Just let them be there—in the same way that they come, they will go. It’s ok, basically. Anything not in your control is by definition ok; you can’t do much about it. In regards to negative thoughts and emotions; even if they never leave – even if they’re always there – you can be at peace by not thinking about them, by really learning the difference between their coming and your thinking about them/engaging with them.
One way that I’ve made progress towards seeing this intention materialize – this intention of not attending to or engaging with negative thoughts – is by changing my focus towards a state of meditation/mindfulness, whenever the negative thoughts come. So, instead of being entrapped or dominated by the negative thoughts, I try to turn my attention to a state of calm and clarity; I literally just stop thinking about them, and try go into a state of stillness and quiet.
One action I plan to take soon in order to increase my success moving forward is to meditate more often. I feel as though meditation is a block of time where you can really practice ‘bringing the mind back’ to a center of clarity and calm. I feel that mindfulness practiced throughout the day is good, and vital, in fact. But I feel that sitting meditation is important too, just because it allows you an opportunity to really see what is going on in your mind; to see the thought processes play out, and to realize or understand that you can watch the thinker, so to speak. I learned that idea from Eckhart Tolle. In other words: It’s possible to observe your thoughts without attending to them, or getting carried away in them. So, incorporating more sitting meditations into my life is one way I plan to increase my success moving forward – my success with managing my thoughts, and living peacefully despite having negative thoughts.
As for identifying a word, phrase, sentence, or practice that I would like to be sure to remember in a few months – a word or idea that I would like to keep in mind for the near, and even distant, future – that one word or idea would have to be ‘focus.’ Concentration, mindfulness. This idea and practice is important to me mainly because I see it as the most important quality to help a person achieve their goals. I know that some people say that things like motivation or perseverance are of utmost importance, too…so are patience, honesty, and etc. And so concentration and focus may not be the single most important element to success, in life. And I do agree with them—I agree that traits like motivation, perseverance, patience, and honesty are some of the baseline or fundamental qualities that one needs in order to succeed in life; to reach goals, and to live a fulfilling life. I don’t think you can do without those things. But I view those traits as so very fundamental, that they are kind of obvious.. And so when I decide on ‘one important quality, word, phrase, sentence, or practice to keep in mind’ in my life, I like to think of concepts and phrases outside of the fundamental ones. The ones that we’ve been hearing since we were little, and etc. So I guess that if I had to identify a trait or idea or quality to keep in mind for the future, I automatically think of ones outside of the ‘obvious, core’ ones. And so I’ve identified ‘focus and concentration’ as a sort of fresh idea to always keep in mind. I think it’s vital, too; it’s equally vital as the well-known ones that are aforementioned. But for some reason it hasn’t been as ingrained or communicated to me as have things like working hard/perseverance, patience, honesty, and etc. Those seem to be the ones I’ve learned about in school over many years, and from my parents, and etc. For some reason, ‘focus and clarity, concentration and mindfulness’ haven’t been as ingrained in me, or even mentioned all that much, by the people around me. E.g., by the adults I’ve had in my life while growing up, for example. And that’s a shame, I think; focus and attention, having clarity and mindfulness, is of the utmost importance. If you don’t have focus and concentration, your follow-through (getting things done) in life will be affected, and may even suffer. If you don’t have focus and concentration, you’ll live life in somewhat of a haze, I think—years may go by without your seeing life for what it really is. You’ll lack clear insight and consciousness. And I feel that you can’t really change your life positively unless you notice things, basically. Unless you’re paying attention – unless you have real clarity and attention.
And so yeah—this one practice or idea is definitely the one that I would like to utilize to the fullest in my life, right now. Concentration and mindfulness is probably of the utmost importance, even if it’s not as well-taught or well-communicated (by others) as it should be.
Word count: 2096
Chade-Meng Tan, Search Inside Yourself. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/search-inside-yourself-chade-meng-tan/1106580352
This essay/journal assignment was written for RCE 4194: (Rehabilitation and Counselor Education)–Interpersonal Effectiveness. University of Iowa, Summer 2020. Prof. Suzanne Kelsey. This class was taken as an elective/option for my liberal studies major–BLS/bachelors of liberal studies.
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