:3

I think I’ve often been in various altercations with different people—to this day, I can’t really understand why. It seems that a great number of people, more than is usual, have had a negative reaction to me, and we had ended up in altercations, in fights and negative interactions. 

In my own experience, I’ve found that turning to religion and to god has helped me to manage all of these negative interactions I’ve had with various people throughout my life. I turn to god both before and after the fact; I turn to him after a negative interaction has occurred, and before I head out for the day, before I have to talk to anyone. ‘My lord, open my heart; and ease (facilitate) my assignment, my matter; and lessen the impediment from my speech, so that they understand what I say.’ -this is a prayer that is believed by Muslims to be a supplication that Moses made before his task of meeting with pharaoh, I think. I think Moses (alayhi al-salam) had a physical speech impediment; I think he used to stutter, because of the injury he sustained to his mouth when he was little. And so this injury used to hinder his communication, and he would sometimes stutter, I guess. It was either that, or his speech was unclear in another manner; I’m not exactly sure of the precise detail. -that great prophet actually had a speech impediment; I guess everybody has problems. :0

I actually had very, very many negative clashes with people—way, way more than can ever be considered normal, usual, and etc. It sometimes seems that every other encounter I have is difficult in some way, it contains some negative aspect. I have no idea why, I couldn’t tell you why. I mean I have some cognitive defects, some trouble with basic comprehension and delivery, at times. I’m also kind of shy and in my own headspace a lot of the time, and so I think this might hinder my communication and interactions with others.

I think that for myself, for my own sake—for my well-being and safety, and peace—it’s rather important that I align myself with environments and settings and scenarios that I fit into comfortably. I can’t keep on throwing random objects on the wall and seeing what sticks, if that’s a correct analogy. I probably shouldn’t keep trying random things anymore, in regards to work and career aspirations, and etc. I think I know the general idea of where I fit in, by now—I’m aware of a general idea of where I fit in. I recognize, at least to a certain extent, what’s most suitable for me.

Actually, despite my strong interest in visual art and creative media, I actually really want to become a homemaker and a mother, in reality. This is always something I’ve subliminally wanted. I know that it’s often seen as an insignificant and unimportant role and job, but I see it as quite important. | I’ve actually had a lot of issues with my own mother, and with my own family, my household members. I actually don’t particularly like any of them, unfortunately. We have a very painful and difficult interpersonal history. But I’ve actually heard that a lot of individuals with a history of serious mental illness have had difficulty with their families, problems with their families. I’m diagnosed schizoaffective disorder, though I’m of the opinion that I’m actually schizophrenic for the most part.  I take meds for it, and it keeps me stable and well. But I’ve actually come to realize that a lot of mentally ill people actually have deep problems with their families, they don’t really get along with their household members. So it’s not just me; it’s not only happening to me, as a singular case. It must be weird, actually, to have a schizoaffective sibling and daughter. I actually don’t blame them much for lack of connection; it must be uncomfortable for them. I just wish some of the more negative aspects of our relationship could come to an end.

~

If I ever meet someone and have the opportunity to start a family of my own, I plan to adopt each one of my children. I’ll foster, and adopt. I don’t plan on having any biological children. I think this second opportunity of having a family and a household will go much better than the first one. I think that the aforementioned challenging situation with my original household has ensured that any new family situation I enter into in the future will be based on love and compassion, only. I actually won’t tolerate any negativity with my second household, if I ever get the chance to have a family of my own. Any negative words or actions will have to be discussed and worked through in a fairly formal manner; I just simply won’t tolerate negativity and bullying. If I see it, or sense it in any way, or am informed about it, then I’ll have to correct it. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself  if anything goes unchecked or unaddressed, unresolved. I know about wounded feelings (and serious abuse, and neglect, and etc.) enough to spot it out and correct it. I don’t think this task should be difficult for me at all.

And so even if the world is cruel and highly indifferent—uncooperative, and often deliberately harmful and painful—then my own household will be based on love and understanding. If I have any choice on how my own home will be like, then it will be built on love and understanding. I’m actually Muslim myself, and I believe in the tenets of the religion. I’m not very strictly practicing anymore, but I believe in the good teachings of the faith. I pray and fast, and so on. And so I think I’ll try to carry on the tradition of religious upbringing and faith, with any future family I might have.